Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Why Snow White and the Huntsman ticked me off.







Before I go into my spill here, just know that if you read this post I will ruin this movie for you. If you don't want me to ruin the movie for you then you should probably stop reading this right now.

I love fairy tales. I've been on a massive fantasy type kick too. Every time I saw the trailer for the movie, I knew it was going to be awesome.

And then it turned out it kinda wasn't.

You have to know this about me and movies. I just want to be entertained. You can have missing plot holes, cheesy moments, and most of the time I don't care. This is a girl who loves her Lifetime and cheesy B movies for crying out loud. But this one just ticked me off. Is it because I was going in thinking it was goign to be all sorts of epic? Probably so. So this is my ranty post where I will probably not make much sense. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Right at the beginning with the narrator the fairy tale lover inside of me was giddy. The sets were spot on, I felt like I was in the era and as the story started I was in awe of how they portrayed the evil Queen. Charlize Theron freaking rocked that part, y'all! From the facial expressions to the wardrobe to her overall performance I was like CHYEA!! You are wicked as hell.

The effects for this movie were no doubt stunning. They totally nailed it with that. I have been on this massive kick of fantasy type things lately and one is Game of Thrones. I just finished season one before I watched this so in the back of my head I kept thinking when it came to the Queen: Please oh please no incest with your creepy looking brother. I cannot handle that with my 12-year-old niece sitting beside me. Thankfully that line was never crossed. (I don't care how things rolled back in those days, the whole 'pure bloodline' concept is skeezy.)

One of these days a fly is gonna zip into that hanging mouth of hers.
And then Snow White. I'm not a big Kristen Stewart fan. She's kind of like a Jodi Foster to me - not my cup of tea. I guess her acting as improved some, but sweet bejeez she needs to stop pulling a Corey Haim and learn to close her mouth in scenes. It doesn't ALWAYS need to be hanging open. BUT I told myself to be open minded because I really, really wanted to love this movie.

Just like every other girl on the block, I adore Chris Hemsworth so him being the Huntsman was perfection. Seriously how fantastic is he?! If you disagree with me, we probably shouldn't be friends. He just has that charisma about him, and I have a serious thing for rugged looking guys. His entrance of getting his drunken butt kicked around had me cracking up.

So let's fast forward to Snow's escape from the castle, running through the dark woods - which was creepy and again awesome effects - and pairing up with the Huntsman, I was really enjoying the movie. As I sat there watching this adventure they were put through from constantly having to escape the Creepy Brother to all the scenes with the Queen and how she was aging to meeting the dwarfs who were probably a top favorite part of mine, something started to nag at me and I couldn't quite place it until I realized Snow White kinda sucked. Not just because it was Kristen playing her. What kind of personality is this girl supposed to have when most of her scenes involve her grunting and breathing?? I know she was on the run a lot, but it seems that's all she did! A friend of mine said she sounded worse than Darth Vader, and I'm going to have to agree with this one. It was so annoying!

I know this movie was never supposed to be a love story. It's a dark tale and that's cool. I will roll with that. But c'mon - where was the connection between them? You have these two out on a quest to get back to that duke or whatever he was's castle and you can't even throw a few small get-to-know-one-another-semi-deep-type of conversations in? And a lot of this didn't really hit me-hit me until after William joined them and the scene with the poison apple happened. (I did like that scene, Sam Claflin fooled me for about five seconds thinking he was on the Queen's side until she showed her face.) Afterwards where Snow's dead and William goes into kiss her, I'm thinking he needs to be the one that brings her back to life. I know she's been with the Huntsman, but their relationship was flat. At least William and her had this childhood connection and the constant longing to see one another again.


Obviously she didn't wake up when he kissed her. Fine, whatever. It wouldn't be called Snow White and the Huntsman if it wasn't going to be centered around them. So I was cool with that with it until my half drunken man goes to visit Snow's corpse. Him telling her about his wife, how her death ruined him showed a lot for his character so I was a bit aww over him, but then he throws in how Snow reminded him of his dead wife, Sarah. *insert my shaking head here* Whoever put this script together showed us absloutely nothing between these two that would make this statement believable.

Okay, fine, whatever. His kiss wakes her up, she shows up in the middle of the place while everyone isn't freaking out as much as I assumed they would have been and declares they take back the kingdom! Hoorah! Time for the epic battle scene BUT wait a second....you want me to believable that Snow White, who has been locked away in a freaking tower most of her life, can suddenly throw on some armor, grab a sword, and lead people into battle? I did have to get up and pee at one point, did I miss something here? If it's that easy to just charge a bunch of trained knights then maybe I should take up slicin' and dicin'.


But you know what? I could have overlooked all of this. No seriously, I really could have. Like I said, I'm a Lifetime movie watcher, I'm used to the main points being skimmed over. But it was the last let's say five minutes of the movie that just ticked me off to no end.  The fact that there was absolutely no mention at all how that man's lips of magic woke her up from the freaking dead. No "Hey, by the way, Huntsman, thanks for smoochin' me and bringing me back to life so I could use the blessing from the crazy looking dear who turned into butterflies to restore my father's kingdom. Pretty sure I'll be keeping your pretty face around just in case someone tries to poison me." He didn't even get a thank you or a pat on the back! Instead at the very end where I think something great is going to happen like the acknowledgement of it or maybe even a together type of scene, he walks into the room where Snow has been looking for him the entire scene and she just stands there staring at him with her big ole' teeth and the doors shut!!

Lame. As. Hell. Seriously. I didn't expect a wedding or anything, but who thought those final minutes was a great idea for an ending? I've heard the original ending involved the Huntsman dying. I think I may have preferred that now. I also heard there is a talk of a sequel, but it seems pointless to me.

And that is my peace about this movie. What did you think of it?

5 comments:

  1. MommyWardrip (Brittany)June 6, 2012 at 9:46 PM

    I have yet to see it BUT a friend saw it today and said the whole movie was awesome...minus Kristen. Said she acts like she just woke up from a coma. Which kind of goes with the fact that her mouth IS always open.

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    1. HA! It seriously is! I've always called it Corey Haim-ism from the get-go. Honestly she didn't bother me as much as the flat character relationships that were put into it. There was just no conversations going on with anyone! Gah. Tell me what you think when you get around to seeing it.

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  2. This post made me chuckle. I'm glad that you took one for the team and sat through this so that I don't have to! Hooray! Seriously though, I was debating whether or not to see this because Charlize Theron looks absolutely fantastic as the evil queen! BUT, I can't. stand. Kristen Stewart onscreen. Also, I don't think we can ever really be friends, because, um, Chris Hemsworth? Not so much. His portrayal of Thor just makes me laugh at all the wrong times, and he's not my style as far as looks go.

    I don't think I will be seeing this movie from what you've said. I seriously would have gone into it with super, super low expectations, and still would have been disappointed. Heh. It's so sad cuz' I LOVE fairy tale retellings. Guess I have to wait for Once Upon a Time to come back on now.

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    1. Charlize was amazzzing! I loved that they kept it in the Grimm style for the wicked queen. Even with Kristen being in the cast I was so excited to see it. It was just whoever put together the screenplay missed out on what could have been a great hit.

      No love for my man, Chris?! Omg...I can't even....

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  3. i know! i can't deicide if i'm going to go see it...or wait for netflix. hmmm...

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