Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Things I've Learned From Lifetime Movies: Part One

During my nice winter break, I have been watching a lot of Lifetime. I know going into a LMN movie that it is going to contain a mixture of over dramatized antics and a whole lot of cheese. But ever since I could remember, I can't help but love them.

It's an odd relationship I have with LMN movies. If I rent a movie that sucks, I just turn it off. With a LMN one, nope, I just keep on watching. No matter how badly it sucks. I just cannot turn my eyes away from it. I'm sure I'm not the first one to think of things to learn from these movies, but sine I've watched too many of them on break, I decided to give my share starting with The Boy She Met Online. Warning: I do give spoilers. 

If you meet him online, he will lie to you.

Here I thought everyone always told the truth.

My first reaction to the title was there would be some creepy pedophile lurking around, snatching girls up and throwing them in his van. Or better yet a stalker thriller kind of like Fear. Except there would be no hot Mark Wahlberg beating his chest in a mirror and carving Nicole 4 Eva in his chest. (I love that movie, btw.)  I was surprised to see that "The Boy" aka Jake was just a convicted criminal who said he was in college. (Penn State aka State Penn, ha ha get it!) But hey - it's not like his new found love, Cami, is all innocent in this. She did say she was 18 when really she's 17. Bunch of lying lovers.

If you meet him online, he's gonna be a bit possessive.

Or for some split second show this possessive side so everyone else thinks he's obviously at some point going to kidnap you, lock you in the basement, or take you to Mexico. But in fact, he just really loves you and doesn't want you to go to New York because he can't leave the state for another year. Ya know the whole parole thing you suddenly forgot about. But boy does he look scary when he gets all jealous you have an actual future waiting for you. 

If you meet him online, no one will understand your love.

Not your mother. Not your best friend. Certainly not your best friend's boyfriend. Nobody understands how this convict who staged himself as a college student from some other state for a month that you only freaked out about for about a whole five seconds truly does love you and wants to build a future even though he cannot stop lying about what he's doing.

If you meet him online, he's going to have some massive baggage including a psycho roommate. 

If he doesn't live alone and is fresh out of the pen then you can guarantee his roommate is not the type to be chummy with. In fact this roommate looks at your boyfriend as his way to make some more money. After all, your boyfriend is a criminal who cannot make it in today's society with a felony on his record. So he will use him, try to shove you out of the picture, and before you know it, you're gonna witness a murder. This roommate is not having it at all so you better run while you can cause he wants you dead before you rat him out.

Wait. I'm missing something....

If you meet him online, his cell buddy will get out of prison and suddenly be in your life too.

Make sure your mother's friend doesn't see his gang tattoo on his fingers because she will look him up, tell your mother you are obviously dating an ex-con, and the shit-eth with hit-eth the fan-eth. BUT the thing is, this cell buddy is kinda adorable and you like him (in the friendly way - can't have that kind of drama, have you seen the scary psycho look your boyfriend can have sometimes?!), BUT don't be too attached because that criminal activity your new boyfriend failed to mention will get his cell buddy killed. And that's how you witness your boyfriend and his psycho roommate going after the guy who did it, and the psycho roommate murdering him. You really should have listened when your boyfriend said to stay at the house because he was going out the door to get revenge. No, he did not stutter when he said this, but  ohhhh nooo you just had to chase him, didn't you?!

If you meet him online, he somehow has access to a remote cabin in the woods.

You know from the moment you get into a car and see the cabin all by itself in the middle of the woods that things are not going to end well. Especially when you decide to call your mother to come pick you up and the psycho roommate just so happens to know exactly where you two are and is on his way as well. I hope you're happy with the decisions you made to lead you up to this point of your life, young lady!

If you meet him online, he may be a lying ex-con with a psychotic roommate that gets you wrapped up in a murder who now has you both on the run but HEY! he's actually a pretty nice guy who will save your life!

I know, right? I sure as hell didn't see that one coming. 

This is where I get conflicted on how I should feel about lying criminals who are somewhat cute/somewhat crazy looking that go on these online dating sites, get a girl, get out of prison, tell the truth, try to start a new life but can't because of their psycho criminal roommate that has magical peer pressure skills, and ends up getting the girl in all sorts of craziness. *sighs* All that boy wanted to do was love his girlfriend who was still in high school, and make a new life for them once she graduated and he was off parole. Is that too much to ask?!

But sometimes you just can't shake your past, and even if you slightly show you're a bit possessive, you still are a nice guy who ends up saving the girl's life. Even if you get thrown back in jail because of the this whole drug deal that turned into murder that your girlfriend had to witness, you still tell her to follow her dreams to New York and to just forget about you. And dammit did you make me feel all sad when you gave such a pitiful small wave from when she visited you in the big house.

So thank you, Jake, for showing me that even if I do sign up on eHarmony this month and meet a guy who has been locked up, he will still somehow turn out to be nice. 

Want to see it all unravel for yourself? You can either watch this trailer (cause it basically is the whole movie) 

Or you can catch it on the following times:
January 15th at 8 PM
January 16th at 12 AM

And because this just made me giggle like a little girl, I end this post with one last look at our boy Jake.

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